Going Through the Motions

Well, the house is decorated. The tree is up. Festive music is on the boom box. Shopping has begun. I should be excited. Instead, I feel...hollow. I am having a hard time feeling excited about Christmas this year. Truthfully, I wish it were over already. I just don't feel it this year.

Since my husband still hasn't found a permanent job, the Christmas budget is considerably less than what it usually is. He and I aren't even exchanging presents this year. We decided it would be better to put it all toward the kids. They say they understand that there are going to be fewer packages than in previous years. But thinking they understand and seeing the reality under the tree Christmas morning are two very different things. I'm dreading seeing their faces Christmas morning.

And then there is the knowledge that one very special person is not with us this year. This will be the first Christmas without my dad, and I just don't know how to handle that. I keep remembering when I was a kid. Every Christmas day, my dad would spend hours putting together toys. Building Barbie houses and putting those tiny decals all over them. He'd build something for me, and then work on something for my brother (not Barbie, though). All day. Even when his back gave out, he kept building those damn toys. I hope I thought to say thank you, but I probably didn't. I wish I could go back in time, just for a minute, to say thank you.

He loved the movie, "The Christmas Story." He would watch it over and over and over and still laugh. It drove my mom crazy. (She is not a fan.) I love that movie, too. I don't know if I can watch it this year, though. Too painful. Too many memories of watching it together, laughing together and teasing my mom for not getting it. How can I keep up a tradition that hurts?

So, I'm back to going through the motions. Doing what I have to do to make the holiday special for my kids. That's what my dad did. That's what I will do this year with the hopes that next year will be a little better.